you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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