I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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