I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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