The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im holly from the hills drunk
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
