If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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