Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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