Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
