I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
