My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He passed out mid-signature
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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