Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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