enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
