Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
