I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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