You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
