Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
