mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
