I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ok first of all what the fuck
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
