allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
