porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
