i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
