Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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