Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
