once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
