Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
