you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
