Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
