Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
