You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
