It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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