After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
