I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
