I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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