first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
