I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
