Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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