where's my purse there's an important taco in it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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