My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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