dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
honey bunches of taint.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
