Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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