dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
