you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
