I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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