a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
