i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
