You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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