T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
