The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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