So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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