Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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