I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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